Posted by Dave Lorenzo - Business Coach
Carnival of Career Intensity – Post Four
Patricia at A Better You blog presents Managing Stress: 5 Steps for a New Approach to Life
These 5 steps to managing stress will help change your attitude and shape your whole approach to life. Stress is our response to change, and change is a part of life. Change can be exciting, uncomfortable, traumatic, and even paralyzing. Stress is often at its worst when you feel out of control. When managing stress, it takes courage and confidence to accept that you cannot control what happens around you at any moment, and even more strength to fight the fear and face each day by pressing on, despite the unknown. But you can do it. Practicing these steps radically changed my attitude and my perspective on stress, and saved my life. I learned to take a step back and get an aerial view of my problems, figure out what is weighing on me the most, and rearrange my life for maximum success.
So how stressed are you? Are you worried, frustrated, under pressure? Is your mind constantly racing, trying to keep track of everything? Stress manifests itself physically with intestine troubles, high blood pressure, exhaustion, and numerous other ailments. It also hinders you emotionally and spiritually, as you feel pulled in so many directions. You live life as a sprint, running until you collapse, then as soon as you can muster up enough energy, you pick it up again, wondering when you will collapse next (and with what, a heart attack?, the flu?, or an emotional collapse?). But there is a better way. Life is like a marathon race. Marathon runners pace themselves because they know they have a long distance to run. Are you running the marathon of life as if it were a series of sprints? Change your thinking and you can get farther. Runners leave behind any excess baggage that might slow them down (most women and men even shave the hair off their legs for increased speed). What stress is keeping you down, holding you back?
Could you use a more efficient system for managing your stress? Without a system, our instinct is to fight it, to manage stress by pushing against the strong current of life’s circumstances. This is both exhausting and dangerous. Stress is like swimming against a rip current. Rip currents are powerful flows of water that quickly drag a swimmer from the ocean (or even from just wading waste deep at the shoreline) out to beyond the breaking waves. Suddenly pulled out towards deep water, many beach goers panic, and it costs them their lives. The rip, like a stressful event, is not what kills you- it is your response to it that kills you, and your methods for managing stress may kill you too.
All oceans have rip currents- if you are going to swim, you’ll eventually face them. I remember vividly the overwhelming horror I experienced when first taken by surprise by a rip current. Every instinct wanted to panic, but the message I had heard so many times just kept playing in my head (don’t fight it, go with the flow, swim parallel and you will get out- fight it and you’ll die). While swimming I quickly prayed for courage to conquer my fear and strength to do what I knew and swim sideways (which was counterintuitive since at the same time I was being dragged out to sea). For a moment, I panicked and wondered if I would drown from exhaustion.
It took everything in me not to swim towards shore and against the pressure of the current. But I pressed on, changing my course to move sideways. Before I knew it I had made it out of the rip and I was free. I was exhausted and let the waves take me back in, my heart racing at what I experienced. The relaxing ride back was so peaceful, and I felt thankful and lucky that I knew the way out, and somehow kept myself focused enough to try. Despite the rip, I kept going back to the ocean. That experience taught me that I could make it (though I always hoped I would never have to feel anything that powerful and scary again). Life is like that.
Managing stress requires a system, and a determination to apply it. I learned this, unfortunately, through trial and error. I used to over burden myself constantly, both physically and emotionally. I was like the children in the cartoon/sitcom scenario of a broken vase glued together and filled, that is leaking despite the beautiful flower on display. The children keep trying to plug up and hide the growing number of holes, until the vase finally bursts. I was living to hide and plug holes, rather than admire the vase and its contents.
One day I decided to change my life, and devised a better system to move beyond just getting by to a peace I cannot describe, despite what I cannot control. For example, despite having months to prepare for a deadline, I used to spend time constantly thinking about how could I possibly meet it, and worrying about the 20 parts that needed to be completed (a waste of mental energy that could have been devoted to finishing one of the twenty steps). Now, when confronted by a project (after planning the big picture), I stop thinking about the rest of it. Instead, as I get ready every morning for the day ahead, I choose what I will complete on the project for that day, and think on that alone. Life is so much more peaceful.
Here is how to practice managing stress in five steps for a happier, healthier, better you:
1. EXPECT IT: Managing stress properly means being prepared. Take good care of yourself- you never know what the day will bring. Life is an adventure- approach it as such. Remember the classic example of a guy showing out for girls, saying “punch my stomach and see how hard it is”? The first blow he doesn’t even flinch (and all are impressed). But then, when distracted, someone else hits him, and he doubles over in pain. What made the difference? The first time he was ready, the second, taken off guard.
Expect stress and be healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise regularly. Watch your caffeine intake. Take vitamins. Don’t avoid the doctor when you need one. Be a good friend to others, and establish a circle of support so you have others to help you through life’s pain, friends to help you figure out how to swim out of the strong currents of life. Cheer yourself on- are you thinking positive thoughts or berating yourself (would you talk like you do to yourself to someone you love)? Spend time with God everyday, be confident in what you believe, and draw strength from it.
Now, with this step, I expect the unexpected. I fully realize that great and amazing things take place every day, as well as the tragic. It is impossible to be completely “ready” for a blow, but I can be sure that I have a circle of support in place for life’s ups and downs, that I am not carrying more on my plate than necessary, and that I have a good understanding of the difference.
2. EMBRACE IT: You need a new attitude towards life, a determined stance to ride the waves of life and succeed through the storms. I decided long ago I would not live a life of regret. Now, as I get ready for the day, I say a prayer for strength to face with confidence what comes my way, and the courage to get help and support when overwhelmed. I embrace the challenge and the unexpected. Like the ocean rip currents, I realize that the more I resist and try to avoid stress, the more exhausted and sucked in I will be. Rather, I go with the flow, and jump in. Jump in with both feet today. Choose to swim.
The alternative is a self-destructive quest to numb out, attempting to escape the pain. Ever been numbed by the dentist? When you leave, your face may not feel the pain, but it also cannot feel the pleasure of a tender caress or a soft kiss. For most medications, the effectiveness of a given dose is temporary, and over time, wears off. More is required to cause any change. Whether you are seeking comfort in drugs, alcohol, food, isolation, excessive television, twenty coffees a day, or whatever your vice, like medicine you will need more and more to cover the pain, and it will never be enough to push against the current of life and survive exhaustion: as a faulty lifesaver, it will drown you. Instead, embrace life, taking the good with the bad. Know that God is in charge of the big picture, and like the rip currents, there is always a way out. It is all in your attitude: are you going to live life to its fullest- despite the pain? This is the only way to know true pleasure and happiness.
3. EVALUATE IT: What pressures occupy your thoughts, consume your energy, or cause you grief? Be honest and real with yourself. Remember to consider tendencies such as jealously, feelings of inferiority, or frustration over failures as possible causes for some of your grief (all easily changed through setting goals and having a successful positive attitude about yourself!). Are you exaggerating the importance of a stressor: will it really matter one year from now, or five years from now?
The serenity prayer is a tool used by many people recovering from addictions, but has truths that are treasures for everyone to grasp when managing stress: “God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” What people, events, or circumstances are within your control, and what is it you cannot change?
I used to be a people-pleaser perfectionist, and I would add more to my plate everyday. Not only would I take on too much physically (over-commit myself, accept extra work out of guilt), but I would also take on emotional loads. If someone criticized me, it would add to my stress level and I would dwell on what I did wrong wasting precious mental energy.
Now, I can accept criticism. Even though I cannot control it, I control my response to it. I consider it, own what is accurate (even if given in a rude way), and make a quick decision to change it for the future. I also dismiss the outrageous or irrelevant criticism as their problem, not mine. I then let it go. Like water drops on a rainproof coat, I brush it right off. This used to be unheard of, but I now realize every moment of life needs to be valued, and every moment I waste thinking about needless worries robs me and loved ones of the real me. The Bible says it best: “And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to your life? …So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6: 27,34 (NASV). Any doctor will tell you these are words to live by (and live better by).
This third step to managing stress is to evaluate where your stressor fits: is it in your control? An easy way out of responsibility is to tell yourself there is nothing you can do about it. Even if the stressor is out of your control, there is usually something about it that you can control. A general guideline to sorting it out: if it is your behavior, your actions in response to a stress, then yes you are in control of it; if it is others’ actions, others’ thoughts or desires, these you cannot control (even though we often think or hope we can).
4. ENGAGE IT: Now it’s time to take action. The 4th step to managing stress is to engage it. If you can change it, do it now. Procrastination is one of your worst enemies, stealing precious moments of your life. Think of something right now that you are avoiding, that is causing you stress and worry, and that gone would be a “load off your mind”- because it really is!
Here is how you engage stress: first, control it if possible. If you identify a stressor as within your control, then determine how strong it is and what needs to be changed. Your choices are to change your exposure to the stress or stressor in terms of duration, frequency, or to minimize intensity of the exposure (refuse to discuss something with someone, refuse to respond to negativity, etc.). You can also avoid it altogether, if necessary.
Next, whether you can control the stressor or not, the resulting tension, frustration, emotion, and pressure need to be compartmentalized. After I made a commitment not to be “fake” anymore, and “pretend” that I felt fine, I wondered how to go about the day without feeling overwhelmed. I then discovered I could find pleasure in a beautiful flower, feel good about finishing a minor task for school or work, and even laugh at the smile of my child, all without denying the grief I still felt over a loss or tragedy.
Imagine a train with several compartments. They are all different sizes, and you access each at different times. When you have a lot to think about at one time, the stress of a difficult relationship, or a sudden tragedy, life goes on and you still need to function. So you get up, take a shower, go to work, get your paperwork done, and when you feel the stress growing, you nurture yourself with the comfort that the grief deep down inside will be dealt with soon. Sometimes, such as with a great loss, your grief compartment will be so large that it takes up most of your train, temporarily. Over time, however, as you process through it, the other compartments will grow larger again. Give space to each stress based on priorities, but do give each a place.
5. EMERGE FROM IT: This final step is extremely important. Process the pressure and pain to get through it, and emerge successful and free. This requires effort, whether it is to brush off the stress of the day, or to push through the weight of a significant loss. Contrary to the old cliché, time does not heal all wounds. If you are dealing with tragedy or trauma, the event is gone, but it takes time and effort to grieve from the change. The grieving process is different for everybody, but most significant life changes require at least two years of working through it to adjust (and sometimes more).
Without shaking off your stress and cleaning out your emotional compartments, you will be left wading in a sea of deep water, stuck in the strong current. Remember, there is a way out, so find it today. Like a write-once CD etched with the record of your experiences, you can never erase the experiences of life. The dings and scrapes that knock us down, however, like scratches on a CD, can be smoothed out so that despite wear, the music plays beautifully.
The fallout from life’s currents is pressure, and to emerge you need to let off steam. Shake off the stress like the rain shakes off a water-proof umbrella. Wipe it away in a healthy way, with balance and moderation: journal your thoughts and frustrations, talk it out with friends, exercise, spend time in prayer, cry it out, laugh it out, just get it out.
Every compartment of your life needs attention. Compartments of rotting baggage that are never cleaned out eventually smell up the whole train. Balance your compartments of work with play time: start a hobby or fun project, plan an adventurous family outing, get a babysitter and take your spouse out on a surprise date. Decide today that you will succeed, you will live a life you are proud of, and you will make it through whatever life brings. Surround yourself with encouragement and positive thoughts. In your quiet time, pray, set goals, and move forward. Get the big picture.
That is it: expect, embrace, evaluate, engage, and emerge victorious. As you face the strong currents of life, with these five steps and a defiant attitude, you will press on and achieve your goals, regardless of your circumstances. You decide that life is worth living, that God has a purpose for you, and that you will succeed if you manage life in a healthy manner. Are you ready for a better you?
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